The Lost Adventurers

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Imagine….

You are in the doctor’s office and ‘doc’ wants to run some routine tests because you are 35 and thereby almost dead, at least that is how you understand things.  You heard her say “senilis” 2 minutes earlier and you know that means something about being old… now she wants to figure out why you will die – sure!

Doc speaks quickly but clearly so as she shuffles you back out into the waiting room, you understand that a nurse will soon be along to take some blood – sure!

A young lady clad in white calls out “Herr Miller” a few minutes later and you know it is you because it isn’t Mueller, causing everyone who wasn’t staring at the redheaded guy earlier to now take a gander – sure!

Redheads are a rarity here in Germany… your first name confuses all your chinese colleagues… and your last name also sounds sort of German until they really emphasize that is is ‘i’ instead of an ‘ewwwww’ sound – whatever.

You name her Whitey for simplicity because even in the shadow of the hallway, this could be a commercial for bleach and your faded jeans and t-shirt leaves you depressingly ready to represent the faded color part of the commercial.

In one hand, she has a small plastic cup that you would routinely see with a bit of mouthwash in it when visiting the dentist for a cleaning.  It is empty….hmmm.

In her right hand, she is holding a very large syringe that sort of freaks you out because you aren’t sure what she is going to suck?

Whitey is chatting to you like you are a local but you’re clearly not… responding with some bastardized German that means to you, ‘I’m sorry, slow please.’

In a similar fashion to how Americans would respond in a similar situation, this actually means that she shouldn’t slow down at all but simply say it much louder this time – um… yeah Whitey I REALLY HOPE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST SAID!

With desperation building inside you, it is time to pull out the foreigner card, again in your version of German saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand, do you speak English?”

By this point, you are starting to attract a bit of attention and thereby a Whitey II.  The horror of your face is real when Whitey II is illustrating what, or more appropriately where you should stick this syringe and the horrible reality that your imagination has long since run away with appears to be true.

In your head, you can hear myself proclaiming, “Listen ladies, there are not enough people in this office to hold me down long enough to even get that syringe close enough to my crotch to do what you are saying I should do myself – no fu**ing way!”  You’re backing up and wishing your computer wasn’t in your bag across the room because the exit door is really close and you’re sizing up those who might try to slow down your escape.

Whitey II then does something you weren’t expecting, she puts her fist down near her own crotch (why do all older nurses wear second-skin white pants?) and holds out one finger, then acts like she is holding the cup….

Your potential scenario is changing and you can feel the complexity building in your eyebrows, that finger is your…… oh!  WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY SO!

Ha… and you thought that was the end of the story… silly!

Many cross-country adventures allowed you to perfect your technique with big Gatorade containers so although this little cup does actually belong next to a water dispenser or in the dentist’s office, this isn’t anything you can’t handle.

Cool – step one complete.

You apply your scientific tendencies to the syringe extraction process… and end up with it being half air… hmm.

Options seem pretty limited, so you hold out the syringe and depress it… slowly…slowly… almost all the air is gone…. slowly.

Damn… the yellow walls are just a bit more yellow now… man that’s gross and it happened so fast!

Delicacy has no place here… so you plunge the syringe into the cup… touching your own pee happens and although it might be gross, it is a LOT grosser (not to be confused with ‘big’ for the German readers here) when it is someone else’s and you know you will get a bit of silent enjoyment by handing Whitey I or II this syringe.

After capping it, you wash your hands, then realize that you can’t really pick up the syringe… oh well… a kid wouldn’t think too long about this.

To your surprise, Whities are VERY familiar with the goings’ on that were just taking place behind that door.  As you step out of the bathroom, you can’t help but puff out your chest a bit because this is going to be funny.  To your surprise, they obviously know everything because they are saying things to you with eyes and waving fingers (different body location this time) that indicate there is no way you should lay this syringe down on the counter and there is no hope in the world they will actually take it out of your hand.  A little piece of plastic is spread on the counter and you are waved to the landing zone, just like you’d expect with a maitre d’ in a fancy restaurant.

Believe it or not, giving some blood samples was a bit easier.

[No doctors, their staff, or individuals who at the time appeared to be innocent bystanders were injured during this traumatic snapshot of my life in Germany]

[Lee]

Cock-punch seems to be a great word of the day.  Sure….it might be viewed as offensive to Grandparents and native English speakers…. but at least from the guy perspective there are few expressions that more eloquently describe a certain feeling that in one sense makes you want to puke your guts out and die while also appreciating that when a given situation passes…the memory of this moment will cling to your guts for quite some time.  OK….everyone say it together….cock-punch…..now feel it!

Kerry has been doing her best to keep me sane, well-fed, and thoughtful of how many hours I spend agonizing over computer output.  I would say the PhD is going pretty well… but it is also taking on many of the attributes of The Terminator (Part 2…where liquid metal seems to turn the whole technology on its ear) that I would like to prevent.  My love, and yes I really mean love and not lust here, for science stems from my fascination of the world around me.  With the merge of capitalism and politics though, all the ivory towers of the world have a foundation of investment dollars.  It was probably always this way but now I recognize it for myself.  Combine that with a new habitable planet a few universes over… and the Spaceship Earth ideas of Buckminster Fuller become null because we can trash this planet and then just let the rich inhabit the next one (NASA’s Goldilocks).  I spent more than a month dissecting Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged only to end it thinking that capitalism really does make sense.  All this angst stems from an ongoing public argument I’m having with some scientific folks that are unable to think outside their own funding box but then in reflection, the uncertainty of my funding makes me liable to some of the same accusations.

The fun of a blog is that I can submit you to such a diatribe and you can’t really bitch because you didn’t pay me for my work.  I will try to offset you own confusion though with a semi-fitting update because it has been a while.

Greece, the island of Santorini especially is very cool.  If you have never been to Greece, those idealized Greek pictures can be enjoyed with your own eyes in Santorini.  We were there to meet our old friends The Briggs and generally just have a great 5 days.  In a world where 4 wheelers have license plates, the calamari dances a sultry salsa on your tongue as it melts, and those joyous orange sunsets over the settling waves are reality…it was incredibly easy to get used to.  It was also a bit humbling to really recognize how little changes in 2 years, which in case you didn’t know, found Kerry and I living with the Briggs for 3 months after we sold the sailboat but before we quit our jobs and left Washington.  Wow it was great to see them!  Here are a few sample photos from the trip….feel free to leave today’s word of the day behind and overwrite it with…..ahhhhhh.  I know it may seem weird, but vacations like these really help to take a punch or two in my day-to-day life which was the point of that whole rant above anyway.  You can check out a lot more pictures in our gallery.